It’s Been Real

Life is tricky that way, things I was so very sure of only a few years ago, are so fucking foreign to me now, they seem like stories from another man’s life. As are many of the other stories of mine from years past. I haven’t changed that entirely much in some respects, in others, polar opposite. Not going to bore with a list of my pros and cons from my journey thus far, only say that it’s astonishing how many times I was so very fucking sure, to find out I was not, or just forgot.  It’s a good thing, no one wants to stay the same forever, we all want to evolve and become better versions of ourselves I think. Today was just one of those days where I was confronted with many examples and such of things I once thought were sure. About myself, about people, the world in general too. It was a learning day to say the least. So for that, I am thankful beyond words. Knowledge leads to growth, for me anyway. Still overwhelming at times like these though.

 Along with so many thoughts today, I don’t think I’m going to do this blog anymore. I might change it in the future, or start anew with something completely different, I dunno. But this platform I’ve been on here for awhile now, although don’t stand up on the soapbox near as much as I used to, is done. I still have so damn much to say, currently channeling it into writing books and honestly poetry, which is strange I haven’t written this much poetry as lately in twenty years. Anyway, feel like this blog o mine, that’s helped me grow as a person and really just vent to the world, or whomever cares to read it, has run its course. I’m going to leave it up, for however long things like this stay on the interwebs unattended. 

 Time to move on, time for change, time to evolve. 

I do want to say how wonderful it is to have such a platform like this on the interwebs. I’ve read some incredible stuff on here over the years, and certainly have probably shared a little more than I should’ve. Oh well, I’ve never been known to have much of a filter. Good or bad, it’s Shad. Ha! That was completely by accident so I’m going to leave that corny shit as this blogs epitaph! 
Good or bad, it’s Shad

            RIP 2017
I can’t recall the year I started it…
I wish you all be peaceful, happy, safe, and free. 

And have as much fucking fun in life as you possibly can! Love hard those you hold dear, keep them closer than you ever think you can, and whatever you have left, give the rest, to the world around you. 

 I’ll see you round, ciao for now…



It’s been awhile, I know, I’ve neglected my poor little blog. Been busy righting wrongs, evolving, going through shit, as we humans do. I’ve got much to say about life, love, politics, Buddhism, being a father, and a thousand other things, from what I’ve learned in the last six months or so. But for now, I’ve only a poem for anyone that cares to read. Today has not been the best day, I wrote this moments ago sitting in a doctors office. Thought I’d share something from the heart, my heart, that’s hurting today. Not to bum anyone out, rather get it out in hopes of feeling a little bit better before the sun goes down. I’ll be back soon…have a wonderful day!

I am in pain,

And afraid. 

I need someone to take care of me,

Just for today. 

I’ll be alright tomorrow, 

I’m mostly sure I will I promise.

But I’m more sure that today,

I am most certainly not alright.

I need someone to make me some tea, sit next to me, listen to me, rub on me, hug me, 

And tell me everything is going to be ok.

Ever so sweetly in my ear, 

That it’s going to be great!


Today is not the day and will not happen,

No matter how much I need it to or wish it so. 

I’ll ride another one out,

By myself,

White knuckled and gritted teeth, 

Just gotta remember to breathe. 

I have much experience and talent,

For such things and behaviors and methods of survival.


I still so very much hope and pray,

Maybe this day or one very soon,

Just for one today.

Someone will take care of me,

And I won’t have to use all those skills and talents,

To survive until tomorrow. 

Men Are Stupid. There, I Said It. 

 Just saw this Washington Post cover from last week, for the upcoming women’s rights march in D.C. The first pic is the “original”, second is the hours later supposed planned original cover with a weak apology about how embarrassed they were. As they should be! And we all know damn well some idiot fucking dude made the mistake. Seriously, the Washington Post puts stuff out like that? 

 On behalf of all men, I sincerely apologize to all women. As a whole, especially in this country, men are fucking idiots. 

March on, women of the USA, you should’ve been in charge a long time ago! 

And just because you add more pink, it doesn’t excuse the jackassery and ignorance. 

This is 2017 people, get your shit together! It’s bad enough you elected an orange haired, narcissistic, bigoted baffoon to run the place! 

Middle of the Night Manufacturing

No, I do not have a lab in which to manufacture lab type substances in the middle of the night. Rather, I have life long insomnia, and when I cannot sleep I take old bits of furniture, combine them with old bits of art, or leftover materials of some kind. To make cooler slightly less shitty, shitty furniture. 

Here’s a few of the pieces I’ve made this year, the others have been given away already. 
My “Ticket Table”, made from a 1950’s metal kitchen table and a roll of tickets from a forgotten carnival. Actually one of my favorites, but no where to put it at the moment. 

The “Batmang Coffee Table”, a customer gave me a crappy coffee table since I didn’t have one, took some old Batman comics that had good art but lame storylines, made it a helluva lot less crappy! 

“Withnail and I- Side Table” I’d found the table top in the woods by a friends house, cleaned it up and used a promo poster Steadman did for the wonderful film, Withnail and I.  I like this one a lot too.

The “Eagles of Death Metal Pullin Your Heart Out Your Ass-Chair” Ragged metal chair, along with an EODM cd insert and a bottle of blood red nail polish, a seat fit for a rock and roll king. Least Josh and Jesse would like it, I think! 

Most of my art and writing I’m pretty critical of, don’t always care for it, but for some reason I really dig the furniture I “make”.

Stockpile of quotes from side table of life…

I do, and could have lots to say about the sad state of affairs that has become our state of the union, but I won’t, least not today. 

 Instead, here’s an installment of things I’ve heard or read that struck a nerve or conjored a feeling or thought…and some could even be speaking of said state of the union, so there you go, double bonus!
“This isn’t your home, it’s where you grew up.”
“That sounds awful and you look stupid doing it.”
“A woman’s sexuality is as fluid as the Mississippi.”
“Good luck if you’re here to outshine me, cause I’m the motherfuckin sun!”
“I don’t think there’s such a thing as casual sex anymore.”
“Something about intense pain, that brings everything else into focus.”
“You have not lived, until you’ve heard the bowels of your enemies crushed under 3,000 pounds of Detroit steel!”
“There’s not a problem, that shaggin ass won’t get you out of!”
“Like a dirty thought in a nice clean mind.”
“When you’re truly at home, there’s no more suffering, no more leaf in the wind, no more cryin…”
“I don’t need no evil weed, keep your crack and your LSD. I’m snorting something that God gave me, and it smells a lot like love!”
“Just complement his son’s vagina and leave it at that.”
“Be sorry for the stuff before you do it, then don’t do it!”
“For a leading man type, you partake in some pretty outlandish behavior.”
“Well, that’s a dink in the doink!”
“Good luck finding another road scholar that’ll do a rimjob.”
“I can’t go back to being a Wild Turkey shot boy, I’ve put on weight I don’t have the legs to be a lil Gobbler!”
“Stop being so mean to me, or I swear to God I’m going to fall in love with you!”
“Tea? Fuck yeah, I wanna come up for some tea!”
“A closed mouth admits no flies”
“Caffeine and weed, poor man’s speedball.”
“Wow! You’re really good at that, it’s like watching my dad change a tire.”
“I may be white, but I’m a nigger, just ask anybody.”
“Hey Benny, man, how long you think it takes to get famous?”
“Boom. For real.”
“We have only two jobs in this life: the first, to learn. The second, to cope.”
“Get ready for the skin circus, you lil peanut!”
“No! I don’t need help with my bags, I have a fucking man-servant!”
“Please don’t ‘Jim’ the camera like that.”
“Forbidden love is the best kind of love, after tender and jungle.”
“I can’t have my pill without my wine, I’m not a savage!”
“I just wanna do a Weasel cartoon and call it a day.”
“The moment you think you got it figured, you’re wrong.”
“I need the money! My self published novels aren’t going to publish themselves!”
“As they say in Spanish…We got caught in the bathroom having sex.”
“It’s kinda lucky you being the one that got dumped, she has to live with that decision for the rest of her life.”
“Yeah, let’s go to college! What are you going to major in? Roofies? With a minor in, Let’s get the fuck out of here!?”
“I live freely under my banner! But, I accept my responsibilities.”
“You were willing once before,But it’s not like that anymore!”

“What good is this life you’re livin if you’re just standing in one place?”
“You lookin for a cock punch?”
“He takes naked pictures of us then he eats chicken while he looks at them!”
“I STILL get paid off Waterfalls…right now.”
“Today was about as fun as a sandpaper dildo.”
“I gotta say, this is not my kind of white people.”
“Bad habit, lying around with your eyes closed. That’s when they get you.”
“Ya know, it’s not just the green ones, they all make me horny.”
“Wine is fine, but bourbon is swervin!”
“I can lay you out and fill your mouth with your mothers feces, or…we can talk.”
“I have no time for cats and toast!”
“I don’t wanna get high, I just wanna survive and have fun on the side.”
“There is nothing so mortifying as to fall in love with someone who does not share one’s sentiments.”
“Ladies, sorry to disappoint you but my quota for women that annoy the bajesus outta me has been filled for the next billion years.”
“Hey lil lady! I just wanna…shoot ya.”
“Home life, ugh…all the mail, and having to decide what to eat, no thanks.”
“I’m gettin a patty melt, I don’t give a shit!”
“Every corny thing you’ve ever heard about having a kid is completely utterly true. It’s the reason we’re here.”
“What?! I hate you. I’m a hater, a hater of you.”

“Oh my God! Will you not stop, until the whole world is aroused?!”
“I call mine, Sam Jackson. Cause he’s in everything.”
“Like I always say, can’t put peanut butter and jelly on the same shelf and expect them not to mix. Somebody got to make a sandwich.”
“You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol, you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol.”
“A guitar is like a beautiful woman, when you finger it good enough makes beautiful songs come out of it”
“I don’t have anything against Jesus, I just don’t like his fan club.”
“If I let go, even slightly, I’ll hurl myself into the abyss.”
“Dreams are just a trick your brain plays on your heart.”
“Why have a civilization anymore if we’re no longer interested in being civil?”
“You see everything, when the world doesn’t see you.”
“I see your face, your smile and poetry comes flooding out of a heart that can’t love you anymore…”
“I’m falling apart, and I wasn’t even that good in the first place.”
“Arrogance and self awareness seldom go hand in hand.”
“Try to be one of the people on which nothing was lost.”
“I don’t mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious, that’s just the way it comes out…because I am.”
“The best art, always leaves a scorched earth in its wake.”
“The woman at the Kmart wants to buy my Bologna!”
“What’s that one? You know when they really wanna arrest you but have no reason to? Oh, disorderly conduct, right. I’ve got my high score in that one.”
“I only use my junk for good, not evil. With great junk, comes great responsibility.”
“There’s an old Chinese proverb: Lies, are like tigers, they’re bad.”

“There’s no you, no me, no them. There’s just us.”

The Dad Book, Has Been Compromised By Cooperate BS!

As you know, I’ve been selling my first book on Amazon for last couple years now. Haven’t really thought about it in awhile out of the small royalty checks of 25 bucks here and there have dried up. But I still promote it to my painting customers or anyone else when it comes up. Any fucking way, a customer mentioned to me that she went to buy a copy and cheapest price was fucking 62.86! What the hell Amazon?!

I’ve sent numerous emails to all the appropriate channels to figure out and fix the problem, and am lowering the price from 7.99 to 5.99, and kindle version is a buck ninety nine now too. But…if they can’t fix the price problem on Amazon with the paperback, I will certainly be removing it from their wares, and sell it myself, by hand one copy at a time if I have to. I’m quite shocked and pissed about such a blatant cooperate loophole or scheme of some kind. I don’t feel like it’s a random computer error, maybe some of the small print when I signed to sell through them said they could sell it at any price, which ultimately means it won’t sell a damn copy. 

So, if by chance you want a copy of the paperback, be patient til I fix the issue or contact me and I’ll send you one for the cost of shipping, until I can figure out another form of distribution. Actually, hoping when I find a publisher for the second and third books, that I can bundle in the Dad Book to rerelease it, as a slightly better version. 

Keep your eyes out, soon all will be right as rain…

Something New Everyday…You Know, Learning And Stuff.

 I rarely talk about therapy to anyone, just vague details or if I felt better or not, at the most. But, today I actually learned something about myself that I never truly realized, until I said it out loud. Although, I suppose I’ve learned quite a lot in the last two years being in therapy, today was different.

 I went through my regular update of the last few weeks and vented a bit, then he had me go through a stack of cards with things that would, or could, be important to a person. Being healthy, art, helping others, being faithful, music, honesty, self confidence, path of life, goals, and so on. A bunch of different ideas and things that make up life in general. He then had me place into piles of importance, in doing so I thought about each card and quickly placed it in the appropriate stack. Music, art, honesty, being healthy, being there for others, family and a few other things were in most important pile. 

 He went over each one for a sec but when he got to the, being there for others he stopped and asked why that one was so important. I told him that I want, and feel like I need to be there no matter what and try to protect the people dearest to me, although I do fail miserably at that sometimes. He then asked me a question I’ve never really thought out loud about. 

 He asked, “Do you feel like there is someone or people that feel the same about you?”

I answered the only way I could, with a visual in my head. I told him I feel like the guard or watchman at the gates, standing holding my big spear or whatnot, making sure that the home fires are burning and that everything is taken care of. While everyone else goes out and lives their lives, pillages, fucks about, then comes back when they feel damn good and ready, expecting everything to be golden and covered, yada yada. 

 Now, I’m not going to get into all the reasons behind that image and feeling. That’s what I pay him for, and I certainly am not blaming any single person or time, by such a statement. I take responsibility for my actions in life, and I can’t put any of my own insecurities on another. It’s a life long amalgamation of events, combining to produce a specific emotion. Which is loneliness really when it comes down to it. 

 He nodded, then leaned over towards me and asked, “Well, who is there to protect you?”

 I replied, “Well, no one.” Trying to really be honest with myself and him,  I didn’t have another answer to give. 

 Then I said it…I proceeded to add, “I can’t really tolerate or handle much more disappointment anymore. I guess, many times I’ve reached out for real help, I couldn’t get it for one reason or another and had to deal on my own. So, eventually along the way, I just stopped asking so I wouldn’t be let down or something. But that’s what you do right, treat others as you would like to be treated? And if I never get the same respect or treatment in return, so be it. ”

 He sat back and kinda teared up, doesn’t happen very often with a therapist. He told me he understood but when I told him the last bit, his heart broke a little. I felt bad, I totally bummed him out.

 But, the real revelation was the fact that I do that in the first place. I don’t ask for help unless extreme fucking circumstance or I’m in the hospital spazzing out or something. At some point I got tired of being let down and stopped reaching out. Built that wall, fooled myself into thinking I don’t need anyone and no one really needs me. 

 On the flip side of that, I’ve also made myself almost incapable of accepting help when offered. Like I’m putting someone out when they extend a helping hand and I take it. As well as, a fear of me accepting the assistance, then depending on them in the future and exposing myself to the risk of being let down again, left to my own devices, so to speak. As with many other things in last few or five years, fear is a big motivator, or demotivator, depending on your point of view. I’ll conquer it one day though, don’t fret, or pay any mind when I do. 

 I honestly never made the connection or had the thought at all really of why it’s so difficult for me to ask for, and or take help of any kind. I have this bizarre deep thought that I’m a grown man and shouldn’t have to depend on anyone for anything. Stupid, right? 

 We all are human beings together on this planet for a reason, we are here for each other.  

 I feel so separate from the rest of the humans at times, most times, I forget that simple but important fact. It goes both ways, it has to or it will never work right or feel right, right?

 Anyway, I do feel better after therapy today, although the other things weighing on me are very very very fucking heavy still. Funny thing too, I don’t know who I’d ask for help, even if I knew what kind of help I needed. Life is so damn comical that way, but the joke is growing tired. I’ve clearly more therapizing to do, I’m grateful I have it to help keep the demons at bay and the brainpan in a slightly decipherable manner though.  It allows me to slowly rebuild, even with everything turning back to rubble from time to time. 

 Be well, til we speak again …