I rarely talk about therapy to anyone, just vague details or if I felt better or not, at the most. But, today I actually learned something about myself that I never truly realized, until I said it out loud. Although, I suppose I’ve learned quite a lot in the last two years being in therapy, today was different.
I went through my regular update of the last few weeks and vented a bit, then he had me go through a stack of cards with things that would, or could, be important to a person. Being healthy, art, helping others, being faithful, music, honesty, self confidence, path of life, goals, and so on. A bunch of different ideas and things that make up life in general. He then had me place into piles of importance, in doing so I thought about each card and quickly placed it in the appropriate stack. Music, art, honesty, being healthy, being there for others, family and a few other things were in most important pile.
He went over each one for a sec but when he got to the, being there for others he stopped and asked why that one was so important. I told him that I want, and feel like I need to be there no matter what and try to protect the people dearest to me, although I do fail miserably at that sometimes. He then asked me a question I’ve never really thought out loud about.
He asked, “Do you feel like there is someone or people that feel the same about you?”
I answered the only way I could, with a visual in my head. I told him I feel like the guard or watchman at the gates, standing holding my big spear or whatnot, making sure that the home fires are burning and that everything is taken care of. While everyone else goes out and lives their lives, pillages, fucks about, then comes back when they feel damn good and ready, expecting everything to be golden and covered, yada yada.
Now, I’m not going to get into all the reasons behind that image and feeling. That’s what I pay him for, and I certainly am not blaming any single person or time, by such a statement. I take responsibility for my actions in life, and I can’t put any of my own insecurities on another. It’s a life long amalgamation of events, combining to produce a specific emotion. Which is loneliness really when it comes down to it.
He nodded, then leaned over towards me and asked, “Well, who is there to protect you?”
I replied, “Well, no one.” Trying to really be honest with myself and him, I didn’t have another answer to give.
Then I said it…I proceeded to add, “I can’t really tolerate or handle much more disappointment anymore. I guess, many times I’ve reached out for real help, I couldn’t get it for one reason or another and had to deal on my own. So, eventually along the way, I just stopped asking so I wouldn’t be let down or something. But that’s what you do right, treat others as you would like to be treated? And if I never get the same respect or treatment in return, so be it. ”
He sat back and kinda teared up, doesn’t happen very often with a therapist. He told me he understood but when I told him the last bit, his heart broke a little. I felt bad, I totally bummed him out.
But, the real revelation was the fact that I do that in the first place. I don’t ask for help unless extreme fucking circumstance or I’m in the hospital spazzing out or something. At some point I got tired of being let down and stopped reaching out. Built that wall, fooled myself into thinking I don’t need anyone and no one really needs me.
On the flip side of that, I’ve also made myself almost incapable of accepting help when offered. Like I’m putting someone out when they extend a helping hand and I take it. As well as, a fear of me accepting the assistance, then depending on them in the future and exposing myself to the risk of being let down again, left to my own devices, so to speak. As with many other things in last few or five years, fear is a big motivator, or demotivator, depending on your point of view. I’ll conquer it one day though, don’t fret, or pay any mind when I do.
I honestly never made the connection or had the thought at all really of why it’s so difficult for me to ask for, and or take help of any kind. I have this bizarre deep thought that I’m a grown man and shouldn’t have to depend on anyone for anything. Stupid, right?
We all are human beings together on this planet for a reason, we are here for each other.
I feel so separate from the rest of the humans at times, most times, I forget that simple but important fact. It goes both ways, it has to or it will never work right or feel right, right?
Anyway, I do feel better after therapy today, although the other things weighing on me are very very very fucking heavy still. Funny thing too, I don’t know who I’d ask for help, even if I knew what kind of help I needed. Life is so damn comical that way, but the joke is growing tired. I’ve clearly more therapizing to do, I’m grateful I have it to help keep the demons at bay and the brainpan in a slightly decipherable manner though. It allows me to slowly rebuild, even with everything turning back to rubble from time to time.
Be well, til we speak again …